Post Partum Meltdowning

The experts say that post partum depression usually strikes anywhere between birth and 6 months. Symptoms like lack of appetite, feeling overwhelmed, crying, lack of sleep and negative thoughts about yourself or the baby, are very common and should never be ignored - and while I'm sure that I flirted with diagnosable depression in the early weeks, what I'm POSITIVE I have now is what I refer to as "post partum meltdowning".

Post partum meltdowning are the random, unexpected spells of complete and utter panic. This panic is not generally regarding rational things; rather, the meltdowning may be triggered by things like being exposed to crawling babies.

Let me explain. Last week, upon the recommendation of our Gymboree teacher, Livija and I tried the "level 2" class (6 -10 month olds) to see how she would do. We went in feeling like puffed up peacocks - we were going to the "big kids" class. However, to our dismay, of the 15 kids in the class, Livija was the only one who didn't move off her butt and, to our horror, there were actually 12 month old kids (kind of like kids on the 5 year plan in high school or college) who were walking and running around the multi-colored play space. While Livija thwarted off an over-eager 8 month old who very badly wanted to rip her nose off her face, I gaped in dismay as I saw a peek into my future. How was I EVER going to handle movement!!!??? Good God! We just figured out sleep!!!!

That night, as Piyum and I settled in to bed, post partum meltdowning hit full force. Piyum struggled to keep up as I told him I didn't know who I was anymore - that I didn't think I was suited to be a good enough mother to handle a CRAWLER - that my life was engulfed by researching child proofing and solid foods - that I was paralyzed - that I wanted to be the woman he married, not the woman who couldn't keep up with a walking baby!!!! Between sobs Piyum, very nicely, told me that he didn't really understand. I don't blame him. I was "meltdowning".

When morning came I, of course, realized my irrationality and felt pretty lame that I was such a drama queen. I decided if I could accomplish one small goal, that everything would feel possible - so I conquered taking a shower during the day (instead of at night when Piyum got home from work). To my surprise, no big deal. Livija didn't cry when the shower turned on. She didn't hurl herself out of her crib in anger that I was taking time to practice good hygiene. We both survived, and things felt better. Possible.

I fully expect another meltdowning session to occur in the next week or so. They're pretty much like clock-work. It will probably be a result of Livija's 6 month "wellness check" with her new doctor, where she points out where she sits in the percentiles and I feel "judged", or when Livija refuses avocados (supposedly the food that NO child will refuse). However, I know I don't need drugs for this sort of post partum stuff. I just need a good head on my shoulders, and the confidence that I can do this. No Mom ever died because her kid started walking. I won't either!

Let me count the ways...

Sometimes I read my blog and think that people who don't know me well must think I'm an awfully bitter new mother. As I sit here next to the video monitor, sleep deprived and holding my breath that Livija will stay peaceful tonight, I know I would be lying to you if I told you I wasn't exhausted, tapped, worn out, sticky, or smelly - or, that this morning I forgot to brush my teeth, didn't shower, didn't fully change out of my pajamas, and didn't get lunch until 2:30pm (that's a long time to wait when your breakfast was at 6:30am). I'd also be lying to you, however, if I didn't share some of the wonderful things about being a mom - so here it goes - catch it now, because I'll be right back to my same old bitter blogs by tomorrow!

1. I love her skin. Her feet and her bum particularly. It's amazing to feel those little fingers wrap around mine when I feed her...and I think the best part of my day is getting her ready for her bath and kissing her naked butt and hearing her squeal in delight. She takes such pleasure in being naked and it's wonderful.

2. Her laugh is infectious, and it seems to change every week. First she started with smiles - then we graduated to laughs - now we are in full blown hysterics phase. It's amazing to see her face light up and to giggle at her toothless grin. It's even more amazing that her laughter is reacting to something that I've done to make her happy.

3. I love watching and observing when she has no idea I'm there. Occasionally she loses herself in play, and it's so fun to actually witness learning. It's like her brain is developing before my eyes.

4. Livija and her Dad are absolutely precious. Piyum was the first to hold and feed Livija when she was born, and they certainly have a special bond. She gushes with excitement when he comes home from work, and she searches for him in the morning while I change her diaper. Seeing Piyum so natural as a father is truly incredible.

5. Staying at home is a blessing. My mother stayed at home with me, and I hope I can create some of the same memories for Livija. My generation of women has been told from the beginning that we can "have it all". Now that I have Livija, I see that staying at home IS having it all.

6. Livija has taught me to let go of "stuff". Most of this involuntary - but I have just learned to ACCEPT. It's hard sometimes, but a valuable lesson nonetheless and I'm happy that she's teaching it to me.

7. I love that, in the morning, she is always happy and full of smiles. It's like she is so GRATEFUL that I have come to find her. No matter what sleeplessness the night brought her, she always begins the next day with laughter.

8. She may not look like me, but it's amazing to see what personality traits and characteristics she takes from me. In a new environment, or with new people, she absorbs and observers her surroundings with great care. Her eyes scan every detail until she feels secure. People laugh and say she looks so serious - those are the moments I feel she looks the most like me and it's wonderful to watch.

9. I've never seen anyone take so much joy in watching a cat or dog. Livija's obsession with Napoleon and Cleo is absolutely adorable. She pumps her fists, opens her mouth in a big "O", and taps her feet.

10. Okay...well, now I'm distracted. Livija has just started crying (I am not being dramatic) and I have no idea why. Looks like we're in for another long night. I'll try to keep points 1-9 in mind as we head into the early morning hours....

Solid Food Stinks

Motherhood is fruitful with torturous rights of passages - not sleeping, aching backs, hair loss, permanent belly fat, loss of brain cells, etc. - but to top it all off SOLID FOODS arrive between months 4-6.

In theory, solid food should be fun. Your baby tries new tastes and textures, and learns how to eat from a spoon and a cup. It's messy and hilarious, and every new parent has the pleasure of sitting in front of their baby just as they sneeze a mouthful of rice cereal. As a new Mom, you plan to feed your baby the most wholesome foods - never introducing her to sugar, flour, or preservatives - and having a kid who jumps up and down for a snack of wheat germ sprinkled celery.

In reality, solid food stinks. First you have to get your baby to like rice cereal (if that's what you start with - I could write a whole other article on how to decide WHAT food to have your baby begin with!) Does she like it before her bottle, or after the bottle? Does she want it mixed with water, formula or breast milk? Does she like it liquidy or thick?

Good lord.

Once you have accomplished that feat, you are supposed to introduce beginner foods; but, they have to be given for four days with nothing else to ensure there is no allergy. However, most babies don't fall for any new food in four days - it probably takes more like 15 - but since you can't introduce another new food while you're feeding the old food (again, allergies) it would take about 6 years to get through bananas, avocado, apples, sweet potato, and pears.

Meanwhile, the rice cereal is constipating your little one because it's iron fortified, and although all of the books tell you that your baby now needs to start drinking water, no one has told your baby that. They won't take it from a bottle, they haven't figured out the sippy cup yet, and they're too smart for watered down formula. So, you've got this poor baby, turning red in the face all day trying to poop AND your making her try peas.

Try prunes says my sister. Yeah. They only make pureed prunes mixed with other berries ( a no-no because you can only introduce one new food at once) and because she's still not sleeping through the night, this mom can only think of napping during the day and not planting herself in front of the food processor and chopping up prunes. Gross.

To top it off, as the weeks go by, your baby is getting hungrier and hungrier - the bottle is not doing it's job anymore - but you still haven't moved past rice cereal and are afraid to feed it to her twice a day because she gets so friggin' gassy at night (preventing her from sleeping well, and thus preventing you from pureeing prunes)! Of course, move on to oatmeal you say; but, there is another four days lost and we still haven't even mastered the sweet potato!

I'm jealous of the moms who say their baby eats everything. I don't think they realize just how miraculous that really is. At this rate, Livija might still only be eating rice cereal when I send her off to college.