Post Partum Meltdowning

The experts say that post partum depression usually strikes anywhere between birth and 6 months. Symptoms like lack of appetite, feeling overwhelmed, crying, lack of sleep and negative thoughts about yourself or the baby, are very common and should never be ignored - and while I'm sure that I flirted with diagnosable depression in the early weeks, what I'm POSITIVE I have now is what I refer to as "post partum meltdowning".

Post partum meltdowning are the random, unexpected spells of complete and utter panic. This panic is not generally regarding rational things; rather, the meltdowning may be triggered by things like being exposed to crawling babies.

Let me explain. Last week, upon the recommendation of our Gymboree teacher, Livija and I tried the "level 2" class (6 -10 month olds) to see how she would do. We went in feeling like puffed up peacocks - we were going to the "big kids" class. However, to our dismay, of the 15 kids in the class, Livija was the only one who didn't move off her butt and, to our horror, there were actually 12 month old kids (kind of like kids on the 5 year plan in high school or college) who were walking and running around the multi-colored play space. While Livija thwarted off an over-eager 8 month old who very badly wanted to rip her nose off her face, I gaped in dismay as I saw a peek into my future. How was I EVER going to handle movement!!!??? Good God! We just figured out sleep!!!!

That night, as Piyum and I settled in to bed, post partum meltdowning hit full force. Piyum struggled to keep up as I told him I didn't know who I was anymore - that I didn't think I was suited to be a good enough mother to handle a CRAWLER - that my life was engulfed by researching child proofing and solid foods - that I was paralyzed - that I wanted to be the woman he married, not the woman who couldn't keep up with a walking baby!!!! Between sobs Piyum, very nicely, told me that he didn't really understand. I don't blame him. I was "meltdowning".

When morning came I, of course, realized my irrationality and felt pretty lame that I was such a drama queen. I decided if I could accomplish one small goal, that everything would feel possible - so I conquered taking a shower during the day (instead of at night when Piyum got home from work). To my surprise, no big deal. Livija didn't cry when the shower turned on. She didn't hurl herself out of her crib in anger that I was taking time to practice good hygiene. We both survived, and things felt better. Possible.

I fully expect another meltdowning session to occur in the next week or so. They're pretty much like clock-work. It will probably be a result of Livija's 6 month "wellness check" with her new doctor, where she points out where she sits in the percentiles and I feel "judged", or when Livija refuses avocados (supposedly the food that NO child will refuse). However, I know I don't need drugs for this sort of post partum stuff. I just need a good head on my shoulders, and the confidence that I can do this. No Mom ever died because her kid started walking. I won't either!