Twisted Toys

Who the heck designs baby toys? They must be severely twisted, removed from society, wackos who live in a Wonderlandesque ranch because the toys Livija plays with are just not normal by any standards. I mean, "Hooray" for getting a coo or two out of her with these things; but, let's examine this a little closer.

My first indication that I should be worried was when we received a Tiny Love "Ozzie Orange" as a gift. This thing is nuts. Who thinks of a plush pumpkin (ahem, sorry, orange), that divides into four sections, has feet with mirrors, and a tiny Ozzie Orange offspring inside which vibrates when pulled? On the Tiny Love website this "Fruity Pal" boasts "developmental values" in the senses, object permanence, and fine motor development...are you kidding me? This thing just scares the crap out of Livija! She won't touch it with a ten foot pole.

Or, for example, the stroller toy right out of a baby horror flick. The blond, blue-eyed girl sits innocently waiting to be tugged. When you do, she not only vibrates but laughs an eerie, piercing chuckle which makes you think she might be the daughter of Chucky. The first time I used this with Livija, she promptly howled in inconsolable fright. We have since hid our pig-tailed friend at the bottom of a box.

And what is it with all of these bugs? Most of Livija's toys have some sort of insect or amphibian theme. Who decided infants want to stare at bugs all day? Bizarrely enough, Livija's favorite rattle is an odd, nameless insect which has beads in it's belly and strings for legs. Livi goes berserk when we shake it above her head.

Seriously, someone gets paid to develop these toys in a Fisher Price science lab? What qualifications does one need to become a Toy Developer???

What's amazing is that while some of these toys are completely insane, some of them are dead on. Livi just spent 15 minutes in her bouncey seat laughing like a maniac at the two fishes who kiss while bubbles blow up their rear ends (not joking). This toy is totally inappropriate; but, it buys me a coffee and bowl of cereal in the morning, so I'll take it.

I know I haven't even seen the tip of the iceberg when it comes to children's toys. I saw a glimpse of my future today when I mistakenly popped into Toys R' Us to pick something up for Livi. I observed parents frantically combing the shelves during their lunch breaks, hoping to score the perfect Christmas present. I think it will be sort of fun to join in the madness for a few years...I just hope Livi moves on from bugs.